Vaguebooking Kills
POSTED 12:00PM
I’m just saying. I have this friend. And he or she is always posting these super vague updates to Facebook. Things like “It really upsets me that certain people don’t have the decency to call a person back.” Or “Good things happening, can’t say what.” Or “So sad, so disappointed, why would you do this?” And other variations on the theme.
And I’m just saying that if you (generally, not specifically) feel the need to post to Facebook about your life, either tell us what’s going on, or don’t. Like, I’m not gonna call anyone out here. But if you post vaguely about a person you’re happy with, angry with, in love with, etc., about half of your Facebook friends are going to wonder if you mean them. And I don’t know that you do -- I’m not even sure who I’m talking to, I’m being SO general -- but if you DO mean them, you should tell them. Whoever they are. Whoever you are.
Do you get what I mean? And when I say “you,” I really don’t want you personally to feel singled out. Unless you feel that you SHOULD be singled out, because you definitely do this. But I wouldn’t want to be so specific as to call out one particular person for an issue so expansive as “vaguebooking.”
Basically, bad things happening, can’t say what.
EDIT 12:03PM: To repeat: The person I am talking about is not you. It is not anyone. It might as well be a cloud of water vapor.
EDIT 12:05PM: OK, fine, it might be you and not vapor. Does it make you feel better to think that it’s you. Or are you going to get all mad? Are you going to get mad because I called you vapor? Are you going to have an imaginary argument in the mirror with the me? Are you going to assume I'm having mirror-arguments with you? Look at me, vapor-face!
EDIT 12:09PM: Ughhh, why are we fighting over this. This is silly. This is, like, not even an issue. Right? It’s just Facebook. Post whatever you want. I was just blowing off steam.
EDIT 12:10PM: That steam thing was not another vapor dig; just an idiom.
EDIT 12:27PM: OK, I know I said it’s just Facebook, but I really am truly bothered when you do this. You know. That thing that you do. That you do all the time. You know what I’m talking about. That thing.
EDIT 12:42PM: DON’T YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK I SWEAR TO GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM EVEN FRIENDS WITH YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME WE WENT TO THAT PLACE WITH THOSE PEOPLE AND YOU EMBARASSED THE SHIT OUT OF ME BECAUSE FIRST OFF YOU SHOWED UP IN THAT SHIRT AND THEN YOU TOLD THEM THAT STORY I MADE YOU PROMISE NEVER TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT WHEN WE WENT TO THAT MOVIE AND I HAD THAT PROBLEM.
EDIT 12:45PM: You know what, fine. Fine. I'm going to go bury our friendship at the bottom of the ocean so that an angler fish can shit on it and James Cameron can someday make a movie about going to find it and also make a terrible big budget movie on the same topic YES I KNOW HOW DATED THAT REFERENCE IS IT IS ABOUT AS OLD AS OUR FRIENDSHIP WHICH IS NOW DEAD.
EDIT 12:58PM: I am so sorry that I blew up at you like that. I can’t stay mad at you. I mean, think of all we’ve been through together. All that stuff. Wow. I’m looking back at all those pictures we’re tagged in together. Isn’t Facebook amazing?
-Dana
