Travel Tips From Dreamwolf
With Spring Break upon us and summer vacations just around the corner, we realize that travel stresses are looming large. Let us answer some of your most pressing questions and offer words of help to keep you safe and efficient on your voyage, so that you can focus on the important part: having fun!
Packing...
- Don’t let the rule about putting your carry-on liquids in a quart-sized bag rule get you down; find the challenge in it! Get your hands on the tiniest bottles and containers you can locate (recommendation: Barbie Frappuccino cups), transfer your liquids into them, then see how many you can fit into that quart-sized bag. (We can’t confirm this, but we have heard rumors that if you get over 100, the TSA gives you Pre-Check for a year.)
- Don’t bother buying overpriced food in the airport -- bring your own! Bring those leftovers you forgot to finish off: egg salad, a whole Alaskan cod, vintage Lunchables. Want to make sure your food stays cold? Freeze whole fruit ahead of time (like bananas, a pineapple, or durian) and use them like ice packs. Then you can eat the fruit once it thaws. (Note: The fruit will not hold the same consistency once it’s been defrosted and you will want to eat it immediately once it does. Well, you won’t WANT to, but you’ll have to. A penny saved is a penny earned.)
- When you pack your shirts, roll them, don’t fold them. Otherwise, they’ll get creased, and won’t you feel like an asshole!
- To make sure the TSA doesn’t get too nosy with your luggage in the event they open it up, pack your belongings into smaller sub-bags and mark them with deterrent labels, like “not snakes,” “photos of plaque psoriasis,” and “butt stuff.”
- If you experience some nerves in flight, center your mind upon a mantra. We like “the world is a disgusting and terrifying place.”
God, just look at it. Repulsive.
Once you arrive...
- You may be very tired from your flight. Don’t feel any rush to get off your plane once you land. If you need to sleep, you just keep on sleeping. You paid to sit in that seat, goddammit, and you will not be herded out like a bum or a cow or some kind of Wahlberg.
- If you’re in a foreign country, but you haven’t done any research on the customs or how to get around, you’re free to accost anybody on the airport premises and demand the information you require immediately. Shake the information out of them; the wilder and more violent you become, the more likely they are to help you. (Strangers like to feel useful.) To thank them, put your tongue in their ear. But make sure you’re really ready before you leave, though -- once you’re out those doors... man, you’re on your own.
- Speaking of doors, in some cultures, it’s considered very bad manners to hold a door open for a stranger, as it implies presumed weakness in the other party. Close all doors behind you quickly, and hold them shut for about 30 seconds afterward, just to be polite.
- Never tip a mercenary.
They find it terribly insulting. We miss Tim.
- At your hotel, you may find complimentary shower caps. IMPORTANT: These are not meant to be used as shower caps; it’s a code. If the hotel supplies two shower caps, they’re meant to be used as foot covers because they know the carpets will give you foot herpes (a.k.a. herpesviridae pessimplex, ferpes). But if they provide only one, kick off them shoes and protect your blowout, worry-free! If there are three, it’s already too late.
- Those bags you labeled earlier? Use them when turning valuables (such as your butt stuff and your passport, maybe) over to the concierge to store in the hotel safe.
- That pert and enthusiastic bellhop is expecting breakfast. You know that, right? Reward his hard work. That sexy, sexy scamp...
Bon voyage!
-Dana
